Forgetting the Former Things

Unfortunately, my friends, this blog is far from the norm for me. It is neither light hearted, nor witty...it is, the truth. Truth, I am nervous to admit, but scared to hide.

The panic and obsessive thoughts have once again tried to invade my mind. Where they have come from or what triggered them once again, I don't know. I just know that they are here. They are real and they are difficult.

These waters are dark, but they aren't unfamiliar. I know I must, once again, hold tight to the Masters hand and wade through them.

I type this blog with tears streaming...I feel like I can't do this again, but know I must. I am reminded over and over of the verses in Isaiah that (forgive me if I butcher the verse, I don't have a bible handy) that I found almost three years ago...forgetting the former things, for I am doing a new thing. Do you not see it? I am making a way in the dessert and streams in a wasteland...I'm certain, I misquoted, but you catch the drift.

I'm so afraid to go back to that place. A place I don't want to be again. That dark spot of fear and worry. Fear of being afraid. Fear of hurting myself or those I love.... Getting so focused on me and my fears that I forget: God is doing a new thing...

I'm to forget the things that were before....and focus on what He is trying to do NOW.
I know, deep down, that I am a sane woman. I know that the thoughts that try to invade my mind are just that...thoughts. Not actions.

I also know that I have been a poor steward of my heart and mind. I've not kept my heart with all diligence like the bible tells us to do. I've not fed myself daily with the word of God...ashamedly, I can't recall the last time I sat down to study Gods word. I've less than frequently, put halfhearted effort into reading a verse or two.....

I feel like a spoiled child, running back to her daddy, when things got to tough on her own...which is exactly what I am doing. Running back to my FATHER begging for forgiveness, once again, for neglecting Him. I found myself, smiling, while pleading with the Lord to take this from me. My words sounded so familiar, yet I feel so horribly unworthy. I've given the Lord so little, spent so little effort in building my relationship with Him, yet the second, I'm facing something, I know I can't handle alone, I'm begging.... I guess that is what is so amazing about the grace and mercy that is extended to us. He sees us as worthy....all the time.

I sometimes forget that our Father isn't like us. He doesn't take mental notes each time someone doesn't spend enough time with Him. He doesn't ignore our "calls" despite our lack of communication for so long. He's right there...waiting, hoping that we will turn to Him.

Even as I type the OCD plagues me...the what ifs cloud my thinking. I know that my God is good, and He is faithful, even when I am not. My God is good...all the time.

I know this road is difficult, and that I am not alone in this journey. I know that many women (and men) face this challenge daily. Please....contact me if you want to talk or need help. I'd love to help you in any way I can....

He walks us through the storms of life...storms we must praise Him through.