Hotel room for graduation - $200 a nightGas to drive down - $140 one way
Playing "sweep the leg" with daddy - PRICELESS
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Monday, November 24, 2008
Not Me Monday
Here is a little bit of cheap therapy for everyone, in the form of a list of things I didn't do this week
I didn't wait until the last minute to post my not me Monday post. I don't procrastinate.
I did not, attempt to upload 1600 pictures to a photo processing website that had a too good to be true deal on photos, only to have it freeze up 7 times while trying to order....
I most certainly did not enjoy resting with my sick kiddies this week. I would never enjoy having sick kids at home, that would be wrong.
I DEFINITELY, did not let my oldest child go 6 days without a shower, because I forgot to remind him to shower...I am way more responsible than that and that would be gross.
I didn't watch three of my "shows" on line this week - that would mean I have too much time on my hands.
I most certainly did not have to take my sick child out of the church nursery on Sunday...I never take sick kids to church, because I'm always aware of who is sick BEFORE we do anything.
I am not a little bit nervous about my husbands job interview tomorrow...I never get nervous.
I did not let the "evil" me show up at work. I am always calm and together when dealing with the staff.
I did not go to a suprise party for a 13 year old boy this week, without my kids. That would just seem odd - unless he was your best friends son right?!?
Just a few things I didn't do....what didn't you do?
I didn't wait until the last minute to post my not me Monday post. I don't procrastinate.
I did not, attempt to upload 1600 pictures to a photo processing website that had a too good to be true deal on photos, only to have it freeze up 7 times while trying to order....
I most certainly did not enjoy resting with my sick kiddies this week. I would never enjoy having sick kids at home, that would be wrong.
I DEFINITELY, did not let my oldest child go 6 days without a shower, because I forgot to remind him to shower...I am way more responsible than that and that would be gross.
I didn't watch three of my "shows" on line this week - that would mean I have too much time on my hands.
I most certainly did not have to take my sick child out of the church nursery on Sunday...I never take sick kids to church, because I'm always aware of who is sick BEFORE we do anything.
I am not a little bit nervous about my husbands job interview tomorrow...I never get nervous.
I did not let the "evil" me show up at work. I am always calm and together when dealing with the staff.
I did not go to a suprise party for a 13 year old boy this week, without my kids. That would just seem odd - unless he was your best friends son right?!?
Just a few things I didn't do....what didn't you do?
Out of the Mouths of Babes
My kids are always saying clever things....things that make me ashamed, things that make me smile and some that frustrate me! Here, are a few from recent moments:
"Mom, this should say try and try again. You wrote it wrong" - Sam, commenting on the photo book I made for my inlaws for Christmas. He then proceeded to find another grammatical error. He's 6 folks - I'm in trouble.
"Twoof" - Owen said this while I was giving him the, "your in trouble" countdown. I said one...he said, twoof - or two. At least he's learning to count!
"You can only keep these toys for two days! I'm not buying those" - Max, while reading the two day sale paper from Toys R Us. He was quite disgusted with the idea that you could only keep toys for two days and then have to give them back! I didn't correct his thinking. Is that bad?
"Mom, this should say try and try again. You wrote it wrong" - Sam, commenting on the photo book I made for my inlaws for Christmas. He then proceeded to find another grammatical error. He's 6 folks - I'm in trouble.
"Twoof" - Owen said this while I was giving him the, "your in trouble" countdown. I said one...he said, twoof - or two. At least he's learning to count!
"You can only keep these toys for two days! I'm not buying those" - Max, while reading the two day sale paper from Toys R Us. He was quite disgusted with the idea that you could only keep toys for two days and then have to give them back! I didn't correct his thinking. Is that bad?
Friday, November 21, 2008
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Where Do I Start....
Where do I start? What will I do?
All questions that have gone through my mind repeatedly since O was born.
Who can I help and how do I find them?
More questions....I have no answers to.
Maybe you can help...help me figure out where to start and who to help first....
It is difficult to find people who understand. People who are educated on the issue. It's even harder to find people who are empathetic, who sympathize with what your going through.
Many people try to dismiss the realness - if that's a word - of post partum issues. Let me assure you folks - THEY ARE REAL!
No vitamin, exercise, book, guru or the like will make it go away. I was wisely told...."Time, is your best friend and your worst enemy when it comes to this issue". And it was. Time was moving at a snails pace...days would drag on and nights would pass even slower. Time was not my friend in that aspect. Time was my best friend...it was what my body and mind needed to regulate itself.
I struggle, still, to not get angry at people who dismiss the mental health issues. I also feel that people are over medicated and under disciplined. I know that medications are abused and over used. That doesn't negate that mental health issues are quite real for many people.
I don't think that everyone should be medicated...because your going through a sad time...a time of depression, doesn't mean you need medication. There is a difference between clinical depression and being depressed - a BIG difference. You can go through times in your life where you face panic and anxiety issues...and these times can be brief for some. For others, it's a way of life. Something they deal with everyday...something that is as common as eating or even breathing for them. You can't function in an anxious, panicky state...it's impossible. I said all that to say this: I do believe in taking medication. Believer or not...I think it's a necessary evil for many people. I don't however believe that so many people should be medicated. I think, as a society, we don't want to feel sad - and who does. Sad is a part of life that we must deal with though...we have to feel. If you were wondering...I take medication daily myself still. Mostly to control the OCD. I thankfully have been able to lower my dose by half over the last year! I am at a point now where reciting scripture and refocusing myself works wonders - most days.
I thought, after O was born, that if one more person told me.."Oh, you just have the baby blues", I would either scream, or punch them right in there faces....thankfully, I did neither. Baby blues is also real...I had that too. Baby blues goes away though...quickly. You cry for two weeks and get over it. Thinking your going to stab yourself isn't baby blues....it's another problem. I would think that was common sense, but not so much.
One of the biggest problems we face is getting woman to admit they are struggling. Many women are embarrassed or nervous to say..."hey, something isn't quite right". Women who are believers are especially prone to this. I think we often feel like...if I just read my Bible more or pray more...than this will go away. I can't tell you how many times, in those three months, Satan used my faith against me. I would often cry because I thought I surely couldn't be saved and feel this way...Satan knows when our mind is weak...he will sneak in whenever he can.
Everyone, kept saying that the fact that I was talking about it was a good sign. I didn't want to talk about it...but I did. I felt like if someone didn't know I felt crazy then I was going to be more crazy...if that makes sense! It's hard to hide a panic attack though...almost impossible I'd imagine. Anxiety can be disguised a bit easier...panic, not so much.
I feel like there is such a stigma associated with post partum issues. Thankfully, even some celebrities are speaking out on their issues...people in the public eye, admitting that these things are real, helps bring more light to an issue. I wish, we could get a "high profile" christian figure to speak out on it....
I personally, didn't want to talk to anyone who hadn't been where I was. If you hadn't felt like you wanted to die or felt like you could crawl out of your skin...I didn't want to talk to you. If you thought I was just crazy...I didn't want to talk to you. My best friend and I didn't talk for a while...someone, I talk to everyday and hang out with constantly....had never been there. She wouldn't understand.
I understand...how do I get the word out to people that need someone to understand.
All questions that have gone through my mind repeatedly since O was born.
Who can I help and how do I find them?
More questions....I have no answers to.
Maybe you can help...help me figure out where to start and who to help first....
It is difficult to find people who understand. People who are educated on the issue. It's even harder to find people who are empathetic, who sympathize with what your going through.
Many people try to dismiss the realness - if that's a word - of post partum issues. Let me assure you folks - THEY ARE REAL!
No vitamin, exercise, book, guru or the like will make it go away. I was wisely told...."Time, is your best friend and your worst enemy when it comes to this issue". And it was. Time was moving at a snails pace...days would drag on and nights would pass even slower. Time was not my friend in that aspect. Time was my best friend...it was what my body and mind needed to regulate itself.
I struggle, still, to not get angry at people who dismiss the mental health issues. I also feel that people are over medicated and under disciplined. I know that medications are abused and over used. That doesn't negate that mental health issues are quite real for many people.
I don't think that everyone should be medicated...because your going through a sad time...a time of depression, doesn't mean you need medication. There is a difference between clinical depression and being depressed - a BIG difference. You can go through times in your life where you face panic and anxiety issues...and these times can be brief for some. For others, it's a way of life. Something they deal with everyday...something that is as common as eating or even breathing for them. You can't function in an anxious, panicky state...it's impossible. I said all that to say this: I do believe in taking medication. Believer or not...I think it's a necessary evil for many people. I don't however believe that so many people should be medicated. I think, as a society, we don't want to feel sad - and who does. Sad is a part of life that we must deal with though...we have to feel. If you were wondering...I take medication daily myself still. Mostly to control the OCD. I thankfully have been able to lower my dose by half over the last year! I am at a point now where reciting scripture and refocusing myself works wonders - most days.
I thought, after O was born, that if one more person told me.."Oh, you just have the baby blues", I would either scream, or punch them right in there faces....thankfully, I did neither. Baby blues is also real...I had that too. Baby blues goes away though...quickly. You cry for two weeks and get over it. Thinking your going to stab yourself isn't baby blues....it's another problem. I would think that was common sense, but not so much.
One of the biggest problems we face is getting woman to admit they are struggling. Many women are embarrassed or nervous to say..."hey, something isn't quite right". Women who are believers are especially prone to this. I think we often feel like...if I just read my Bible more or pray more...than this will go away. I can't tell you how many times, in those three months, Satan used my faith against me. I would often cry because I thought I surely couldn't be saved and feel this way...Satan knows when our mind is weak...he will sneak in whenever he can.
Everyone, kept saying that the fact that I was talking about it was a good sign. I didn't want to talk about it...but I did. I felt like if someone didn't know I felt crazy then I was going to be more crazy...if that makes sense! It's hard to hide a panic attack though...almost impossible I'd imagine. Anxiety can be disguised a bit easier...panic, not so much.
I feel like there is such a stigma associated with post partum issues. Thankfully, even some celebrities are speaking out on their issues...people in the public eye, admitting that these things are real, helps bring more light to an issue. I wish, we could get a "high profile" christian figure to speak out on it....
I personally, didn't want to talk to anyone who hadn't been where I was. If you hadn't felt like you wanted to die or felt like you could crawl out of your skin...I didn't want to talk to you. If you thought I was just crazy...I didn't want to talk to you. My best friend and I didn't talk for a while...someone, I talk to everyday and hang out with constantly....had never been there. She wouldn't understand.
I understand...how do I get the word out to people that need someone to understand.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
About a boy
While shopping at Target today, we had an accident, well two actually.
My middle man, was walking towards me and totally wiped out! He fell to the ground and landed in a heap on the floor. He looked up at me, as well as did the other shoppers, and just stared.
I tried desperately not to laugh as I told him to get up off the floor and come stand by me.
Mind you....he was just walking. Not running or jumping, walking.....and then he fell. That's it - nothing else was involved.
We gathered ourselves, I managed to get Mister middle, composed and we headed toward the shampoo....harmless enough right?!? WRONG!!!
I still am not sure how it happened, but I turned in time to see the following events:
1 - lady bumps into boy.
2 - Boy falls to the ground
3 - Boy hits his head on the corner of the shelf
4 - Boy falls, directly under woman's feet - who happens to be a bit older..like in her 60's....
5 - Woman proceeds to fall in what seems like a slow motion scene in a movie!
6 - Woman catches herself, before hitting the ground, on the pointed arms of the chap stick display - all the while, boy is laying underneath her feet and legs.
7 - I stare on in horror and disbelief at the scene.
8 - I grab the woman and help her upright herself - while boy is still laying on the floor.
9 - I ask her 15 times if she's ok and apologize profusely for my sons not paying attention.
10 - She looks at me like I'm crazy and tells me to get boy off the floor and wants to know if he's ok.
11 - I pick boy up, rub his head and assure the woman that Max is fine and that this event isn't unusual for him.
12 - I attempt to make boy apologize to the woman and she apologizes profusely.
13 - Woman starts to walk away and I ask...just one more time - if she is ok. She assures me she is and goes on about her shopping.
14 - Boy tells me that his head hurts...I try not to laugh.
15 - Boy quickly forgets his head hurts and realizes his pump has fallen out of it's pouch and is hanging by the tubing....new drama ensues....
This is my life with my middle one. He's always in his own little world and just a wee bit clueless about the common sense things in life - but he's brilliant.
My middle man, was walking towards me and totally wiped out! He fell to the ground and landed in a heap on the floor. He looked up at me, as well as did the other shoppers, and just stared.
I tried desperately not to laugh as I told him to get up off the floor and come stand by me.
Mind you....he was just walking. Not running or jumping, walking.....and then he fell. That's it - nothing else was involved.
We gathered ourselves, I managed to get Mister middle, composed and we headed toward the shampoo....harmless enough right?!? WRONG!!!
I still am not sure how it happened, but I turned in time to see the following events:
1 - lady bumps into boy.
2 - Boy falls to the ground
3 - Boy hits his head on the corner of the shelf
4 - Boy falls, directly under woman's feet - who happens to be a bit older..like in her 60's....
5 - Woman proceeds to fall in what seems like a slow motion scene in a movie!
6 - Woman catches herself, before hitting the ground, on the pointed arms of the chap stick display - all the while, boy is laying underneath her feet and legs.
7 - I stare on in horror and disbelief at the scene.
8 - I grab the woman and help her upright herself - while boy is still laying on the floor.
9 - I ask her 15 times if she's ok and apologize profusely for my sons not paying attention.
10 - She looks at me like I'm crazy and tells me to get boy off the floor and wants to know if he's ok.
11 - I pick boy up, rub his head and assure the woman that Max is fine and that this event isn't unusual for him.
12 - I attempt to make boy apologize to the woman and she apologizes profusely.
13 - Woman starts to walk away and I ask...just one more time - if she is ok. She assures me she is and goes on about her shopping.
14 - Boy tells me that his head hurts...I try not to laugh.
15 - Boy quickly forgets his head hurts and realizes his pump has fallen out of it's pouch and is hanging by the tubing....new drama ensues....
This is my life with my middle one. He's always in his own little world and just a wee bit clueless about the common sense things in life - but he's brilliant.
A Promise
Two and half years ago, I made a promise to God.
A promise that I have not been keeping all that well - not at all really. I am ashamed.
As many people know, after my youngest angel was born, something happened. Lots of things happened really, but something different.
I noticed it a bit after my oldest son was born, but dismissed it as baby blue. It was a bit worse after my second son was born, but it passed quickly.
After the baby was born, I felt ecstatic. A feeling that I hadn't felt in 9 months. I had what I thought, was mild depression during my pregnancy with little O. I went along with it and dealt with it though. I had to take enough medication - I wasn't about to add an antidepressant to the mix.
I went into labor 3.5 week early with him. I was totally unprepared and not at all expecting it. Thankfully, I am a planner and had most of mine/his bags packed. I'd had preterm labor with my middle son that was stopped, so I had the possibility in the back of my mind.
I contracted/labored for 15 hours before he was born, via c-section. I had to wait, as I wasn't an emergency, and that was fine. I understood. With our first son, I was the emergency who bumped several other laboring woman. I was grateful to be the non emergent patient!
That all being said, I was exhausted from lack of sleep - a contributing factor to my problem with my fist son, I believe. I labored for 42 hours with him before he had to be taken c-section....it was a long and exhausting process.
I think, looking back, that a lot of factors contributed to my problem. I think exhaustion will do horrible things to your mind, as well as hormones, and any type of anesthesia. I don't react well to anesthesia - of any kind. I feel panicky and nervous after I get Novocain! It bothers me for several days afterward. I'm a bit odd I guess - that or I'm a freak...either way!
Anyway...I digress. I promised God that I would help other women.... Women who were facing what I was facing. Thankfully, I had a support system that was unbelievable. My family and friends rallied around me. I had my faith. I had things that some women don't have access to. I am convinced that no one should go through what I went through alone.
I looked for support groups in my area and found none...how can that be! I found an online resource that was a great help to me - praise God for those ladies. Other than that, I found little outside help. I had an awesome therapist and a concerned doctor...all of which helped tremendously as well.
I still want to help women...women who are going through these times need help. It is a very real issue...and a horrible, scary one at that....I'll provide a little background...
As I mentioned, I was ecstatic after the baby was born. I felt elated really....it was an odd feeling. I hadn't felt truly happy in 9 months... My mom said she knew, right then, something wasn't right.
The next day, I knew it was coming. It happened with the other two boys too. I had that flood of emotion. The crying would start...I thought that was it. I was so very wrong.
I had visitors, people who came to bring gifts, see our baby and congratulate us...I spent the time vomiting and basically freaking out. One of my sweet doctors, who is a believer, sat on the bed next to me. He hugged me, prayed for me, and wrote me an order for Ativan! Such a nice man!!
I didn't sleep that night...this would be a pattern that would follow. I would struggle to fall asleep, sleep fitfully, and then wake very early in the morning, unable to fall back to sleep.
I kept telling them if they would just let me go home, I'd feel better. I was sure of it. They weren't going to let me go home because my blood pressure had skyrocketed and the babies billirubin levels were on the rise - not uncommon for a pre term baby. My heart rate shot up and wouldn't come down...I begged, pleaded and faked calm. They released me....I went home convinced that I was fine and would calm down...I didn't.
That all being said, after several days, prescriptions and such..things seemed to calm down. About a week later, it hit me again...like a Mac truck.....
I couldn't focus or sleep. I'd cry for hours at a time. I'd have panic attack after panic attack. They wouldn't stop. Then the obsessive and fearful thoughts came. Some thoughts were so dark and horrible, I'll never repeat them to anyone.
I started thinking I was going to kill myself. I didn't want to...I just thought I was going too. Doesn't make sense...I know - nothing did. I started having compulsions to put my hands on the stove while cooking and stab myself with scissors.... All these things would send me into a spiral of panic, uncontrolled thoughts, and crying. It was a horrible viscous cycle.
I refused to be alone with the kids. I would bathe them and think I was going to drown them. I wouldn't shower while I was home alone for fear that I would slit my wrists....it was a sick and scary time. I hid things from myself...all odd things...I hid knives, scissors and medication. I'd lay my kids clothes out at night and tell them I loved them...each time thinking it would be the last time I'd say that to them.....
I'd have myself so nerved up, I'd throw up every morning at the thought of facing another day of hell. My family stood right by me...never wavering. They'd pray, talk and cry with me. They sat with the kids while I walked and cried.
I'd lay prostrate on the floor, begging God to take this from me. I also felt like it was something I was going to have to go through. A dark water I was going to have to wade through....
The diagnosis was Post Partum OCD with panic disorder and depression. A triple whammy the psychiatrist told me. Only a small portion of woman will face post partum depression, even fewer will have panic disorder and of the small portion, less than 3% will develop the OCD part of it.... He assured me that I would in fact establish normalcy and that my faith and family were going to be the main components to get me through - that and a strong anti depressant! He encouraged me to NOT take the "sedative" medication unless I just couldn't get control...I'd already stopped taking them because of how they made me feel....
All that being said....it was hell and it was very real. I know many people think you can just snap out of those moments. I was told on more than one occasion to "get a grip". At that point, I had nothing to hold on to....
I wanted only to talk to people who had been there. People who knew what it was like to feel like you were going crazy...that you had no grip on reality. That at any moment your world would fall apart right before you eyes. There were many moments that I thought being hospitalized would be the right thing to do...but I feared they'd take my kids from me....thankfully, I was never left alone. My husband, the saint, took weeks off work to help me. He arranged someone to be with me all the time. He woke up, for 7 weeks straight, and did the babies night feedings. The doctor advised that I not be woken up in the middle of the night...as a tired mind had to fight even harder. I don't know how Matt did it, but he did.
I often feel cheated out of the first 3.5 months of O's life. He was my last baby...I was hoping to soak it all in...enjoy it all. That was not to be the case, and that's ok. I wouldn't change what I went through for anything. I know it sounds crazy - but it changed me. It changed the essence of who I am and what I am. It taught me things that I'll never forget...I wouldn't want to go back to how it was...even if I could.
My heart still breaks at the thought of what my two older boys must have felt at times. Thankfully, my family and I did our best to shelter them from it. Children are also extremely resilient...praise God!
That all being said...I want to help others who need help - not with just post partum issues, but panic/anxiety issues period. I promised God....He doesn't appreciate broken promises.
A promise that I have not been keeping all that well - not at all really. I am ashamed.
As many people know, after my youngest angel was born, something happened. Lots of things happened really, but something different.
I noticed it a bit after my oldest son was born, but dismissed it as baby blue. It was a bit worse after my second son was born, but it passed quickly.
After the baby was born, I felt ecstatic. A feeling that I hadn't felt in 9 months. I had what I thought, was mild depression during my pregnancy with little O. I went along with it and dealt with it though. I had to take enough medication - I wasn't about to add an antidepressant to the mix.
I went into labor 3.5 week early with him. I was totally unprepared and not at all expecting it. Thankfully, I am a planner and had most of mine/his bags packed. I'd had preterm labor with my middle son that was stopped, so I had the possibility in the back of my mind.
I contracted/labored for 15 hours before he was born, via c-section. I had to wait, as I wasn't an emergency, and that was fine. I understood. With our first son, I was the emergency who bumped several other laboring woman. I was grateful to be the non emergent patient!
That all being said, I was exhausted from lack of sleep - a contributing factor to my problem with my fist son, I believe. I labored for 42 hours with him before he had to be taken c-section....it was a long and exhausting process.
I think, looking back, that a lot of factors contributed to my problem. I think exhaustion will do horrible things to your mind, as well as hormones, and any type of anesthesia. I don't react well to anesthesia - of any kind. I feel panicky and nervous after I get Novocain! It bothers me for several days afterward. I'm a bit odd I guess - that or I'm a freak...either way!
Anyway...I digress. I promised God that I would help other women.... Women who were facing what I was facing. Thankfully, I had a support system that was unbelievable. My family and friends rallied around me. I had my faith. I had things that some women don't have access to. I am convinced that no one should go through what I went through alone.
I looked for support groups in my area and found none...how can that be! I found an online resource that was a great help to me - praise God for those ladies. Other than that, I found little outside help. I had an awesome therapist and a concerned doctor...all of which helped tremendously as well.
I still want to help women...women who are going through these times need help. It is a very real issue...and a horrible, scary one at that....I'll provide a little background...
As I mentioned, I was ecstatic after the baby was born. I felt elated really....it was an odd feeling. I hadn't felt truly happy in 9 months... My mom said she knew, right then, something wasn't right.
The next day, I knew it was coming. It happened with the other two boys too. I had that flood of emotion. The crying would start...I thought that was it. I was so very wrong.
I had visitors, people who came to bring gifts, see our baby and congratulate us...I spent the time vomiting and basically freaking out. One of my sweet doctors, who is a believer, sat on the bed next to me. He hugged me, prayed for me, and wrote me an order for Ativan! Such a nice man!!
I didn't sleep that night...this would be a pattern that would follow. I would struggle to fall asleep, sleep fitfully, and then wake very early in the morning, unable to fall back to sleep.
I kept telling them if they would just let me go home, I'd feel better. I was sure of it. They weren't going to let me go home because my blood pressure had skyrocketed and the babies billirubin levels were on the rise - not uncommon for a pre term baby. My heart rate shot up and wouldn't come down...I begged, pleaded and faked calm. They released me....I went home convinced that I was fine and would calm down...I didn't.
That all being said, after several days, prescriptions and such..things seemed to calm down. About a week later, it hit me again...like a Mac truck.....
I couldn't focus or sleep. I'd cry for hours at a time. I'd have panic attack after panic attack. They wouldn't stop. Then the obsessive and fearful thoughts came. Some thoughts were so dark and horrible, I'll never repeat them to anyone.
I started thinking I was going to kill myself. I didn't want to...I just thought I was going too. Doesn't make sense...I know - nothing did. I started having compulsions to put my hands on the stove while cooking and stab myself with scissors.... All these things would send me into a spiral of panic, uncontrolled thoughts, and crying. It was a horrible viscous cycle.
I refused to be alone with the kids. I would bathe them and think I was going to drown them. I wouldn't shower while I was home alone for fear that I would slit my wrists....it was a sick and scary time. I hid things from myself...all odd things...I hid knives, scissors and medication. I'd lay my kids clothes out at night and tell them I loved them...each time thinking it would be the last time I'd say that to them.....
I'd have myself so nerved up, I'd throw up every morning at the thought of facing another day of hell. My family stood right by me...never wavering. They'd pray, talk and cry with me. They sat with the kids while I walked and cried.
I'd lay prostrate on the floor, begging God to take this from me. I also felt like it was something I was going to have to go through. A dark water I was going to have to wade through....
The diagnosis was Post Partum OCD with panic disorder and depression. A triple whammy the psychiatrist told me. Only a small portion of woman will face post partum depression, even fewer will have panic disorder and of the small portion, less than 3% will develop the OCD part of it.... He assured me that I would in fact establish normalcy and that my faith and family were going to be the main components to get me through - that and a strong anti depressant! He encouraged me to NOT take the "sedative" medication unless I just couldn't get control...I'd already stopped taking them because of how they made me feel....
All that being said....it was hell and it was very real. I know many people think you can just snap out of those moments. I was told on more than one occasion to "get a grip". At that point, I had nothing to hold on to....
I wanted only to talk to people who had been there. People who knew what it was like to feel like you were going crazy...that you had no grip on reality. That at any moment your world would fall apart right before you eyes. There were many moments that I thought being hospitalized would be the right thing to do...but I feared they'd take my kids from me....thankfully, I was never left alone. My husband, the saint, took weeks off work to help me. He arranged someone to be with me all the time. He woke up, for 7 weeks straight, and did the babies night feedings. The doctor advised that I not be woken up in the middle of the night...as a tired mind had to fight even harder. I don't know how Matt did it, but he did.
I often feel cheated out of the first 3.5 months of O's life. He was my last baby...I was hoping to soak it all in...enjoy it all. That was not to be the case, and that's ok. I wouldn't change what I went through for anything. I know it sounds crazy - but it changed me. It changed the essence of who I am and what I am. It taught me things that I'll never forget...I wouldn't want to go back to how it was...even if I could.
My heart still breaks at the thought of what my two older boys must have felt at times. Thankfully, my family and I did our best to shelter them from it. Children are also extremely resilient...praise God!
That all being said...I want to help others who need help - not with just post partum issues, but panic/anxiety issues period. I promised God....He doesn't appreciate broken promises.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Not Me Monday
A few things I most certainly DID NOT do this week....
I did not go to "dinner" with some friends from work at 11pm this week. I would never eat that late!
I did not down three cherry limeades at that late dinner, because I didn't go out that late...remember!
I did not let my son skip school on Monday because daddy was gone and the others were still sleeping...I would never be such an irresponsible mother.
I did not make dinner this week, only to realize that 45 minutes later, I forgot to turn the oven on. I'm not that absent minded.
I did not laugh hysterically, when a friends son, dropped cream cheese on my rug, and then proceeded to rub it in with his foot, when his mom told him to "come here"... I would NEVER laugh at my friends in their moment of frustration.
I did not invite friends over for dinner, go to the store to get the ingredients I needed to make the dinner, get home and realize I hadn't bought 4 of the ESSENTIAL ones. I always make a list to grocery shop and stick to it!
I most certainly, did not stuff 13 LARGE marshmallows in my mouth at a party this week, in an attempt to beat someone at a game. I'm not that competitive, nor am I that silly.
After NOT stuffing that many marshmallows in my mouth, I did not have to do the same "breathing exercises" I did while I was pregnant with my boys, to stop myself from throwing up - because I didn't play the game!
I did not go to "dinner" with some friends from work at 11pm this week. I would never eat that late!
I did not down three cherry limeades at that late dinner, because I didn't go out that late...remember!
I did not let my son skip school on Monday because daddy was gone and the others were still sleeping...I would never be such an irresponsible mother.
I did not make dinner this week, only to realize that 45 minutes later, I forgot to turn the oven on. I'm not that absent minded.
I did not laugh hysterically, when a friends son, dropped cream cheese on my rug, and then proceeded to rub it in with his foot, when his mom told him to "come here"... I would NEVER laugh at my friends in their moment of frustration.
I did not invite friends over for dinner, go to the store to get the ingredients I needed to make the dinner, get home and realize I hadn't bought 4 of the ESSENTIAL ones. I always make a list to grocery shop and stick to it!
I most certainly, did not stuff 13 LARGE marshmallows in my mouth at a party this week, in an attempt to beat someone at a game. I'm not that competitive, nor am I that silly.
After NOT stuffing that many marshmallows in my mouth, I did not have to do the same "breathing exercises" I did while I was pregnant with my boys, to stop myself from throwing up - because I didn't play the game!
Friday, November 14, 2008
A View from Our Front Porch....
The mess has gotten even bigger! They have even torn out the curb! It's a mess....Tuesday, November 11, 2008
All In Numbers
60 - construction paper leaves I've cut out.
6- pictures printed - of my oldest sons life for a time line...do you know ho difficult it was to pick only 6!
2 - wonderful, child free nights this weekend.
1 - hysterical movie I saw with my husband.
2- things my middle child spilled on the floor today.
2 - the number of times I've vacuumed today.
3 - super yummy cherry limeades I drank while out with friends.
1 - phenomenal "sermon" my husband delivered on Sunday.
10239480123948 - the number of toys I cleaned up in the toy room yesterday.
1 - laundry basket, full of toys to get rid of.
4 - moments of begging, pleading and whining I heard while sorting toys.
5 - coat and pants pockets I searched before finally finding my husbands credit card - that I lost.
3 - number of rooms I've moved furniture around in this month.
30 - ideas my children have given me for Christmas gifts....
4 - the number of ideas I'm actually considering!
9 - laundry baskets I sorted yesterday.
5 - number of loads I washed so far...I'm dragging a bit.
4 - wonderful, handsome and loving men in my life!
6- pictures printed - of my oldest sons life for a time line...do you know ho difficult it was to pick only 6!
2 - wonderful, child free nights this weekend.
1 - hysterical movie I saw with my husband.
2- things my middle child spilled on the floor today.
2 - the number of times I've vacuumed today.
3 - super yummy cherry limeades I drank while out with friends.
1 - phenomenal "sermon" my husband delivered on Sunday.
10239480123948 - the number of toys I cleaned up in the toy room yesterday.
1 - laundry basket, full of toys to get rid of.
4 - moments of begging, pleading and whining I heard while sorting toys.
5 - coat and pants pockets I searched before finally finding my husbands credit card - that I lost.
3 - number of rooms I've moved furniture around in this month.
30 - ideas my children have given me for Christmas gifts....
4 - the number of ideas I'm actually considering!
9 - laundry baskets I sorted yesterday.
5 - number of loads I washed so far...I'm dragging a bit.
4 - wonderful, handsome and loving men in my life!
Monday, November 10, 2008
I DID NOT....
I certainly did not forget to do my detail sheets for work until Sunday night, for three sites...I am responsible and have it all together.
I did not stay up until midnight "drafting" three site checklists, because, I didn't forget them, remember!
I did not have two kid free nights in a row...who gets that lucky.
I certainly did not miss my kids on Friday night, when they spent the night with grandma and grandpa. That would be crazy!
I did not NOT miss my kids on Saturday morning....
I certainly did not sleep until 10am on Saturday - that would be lazy!
I also didn't go to Toys R Us, without kids, and have fun playing with and looking at toys, with my husband. After all, no one goes to that store without kids, right?!?!
I did not change my youngest sons pants, three times, on Sunday, trying to decide whether or not his sweater looked right with the pants, only to have him rip the sweater off as soon as we got to church. Who would be that vain!
I did not lay down with my middle son, in an attempt to get him to take a nap, and lay there long enough to fall asleep - while my inlaws were over for dinner!
I did not find two of my sons and my nephew playing in a bin of water from the hose this week. After all, it is November in the North and who plays in water during those days - even if it is in the 70's!
My youngest son, did not, loose his glasses for the 100th time this month. My oldest son did not find them for the 100th time either!
Just a few things I didn't do....what didn't you do!
I did not stay up until midnight "drafting" three site checklists, because, I didn't forget them, remember!
I did not have two kid free nights in a row...who gets that lucky.
I certainly did not miss my kids on Friday night, when they spent the night with grandma and grandpa. That would be crazy!
I did not NOT miss my kids on Saturday morning....
I certainly did not sleep until 10am on Saturday - that would be lazy!
I also didn't go to Toys R Us, without kids, and have fun playing with and looking at toys, with my husband. After all, no one goes to that store without kids, right?!?!
I did not change my youngest sons pants, three times, on Sunday, trying to decide whether or not his sweater looked right with the pants, only to have him rip the sweater off as soon as we got to church. Who would be that vain!
I did not lay down with my middle son, in an attempt to get him to take a nap, and lay there long enough to fall asleep - while my inlaws were over for dinner!
I did not find two of my sons and my nephew playing in a bin of water from the hose this week. After all, it is November in the North and who plays in water during those days - even if it is in the 70's!
My youngest son, did not, loose his glasses for the 100th time this month. My oldest son did not find them for the 100th time either!
Just a few things I didn't do....what didn't you do!
Friday, November 7, 2008
Favorite Photo Friday...All About Owie
Owen, just being cute.
"Hey, did you all see how cute I am?"
"I know there is candy in here somewhere....."
"Hey...isn't there supposed to be candy in this thing!!"Tuesday, November 4, 2008
The Voting Experience
It's official. I'm done voting, at least until the next election.
I was dreading the process all day. I wasn't looking forward to waiting in the long lines with the kids and was looking less forward to getting up early to vote. I voted for option A. After a day full of errands and a stop at Chuck E Cheese, we ended up at the polls.
There was NO line and ZERO wait. There are definite perks to living in such a small city...this is one of them!
The boys loved going in with me. I was able to use it as a teaching opportunity as well. They had lots of questions and loved to watch everything. Sammy got to carry the ballot and help push it in the box. Max, Owen and Sam were all content to get stickers.
Sammy had lots of questions about who was on the ballot and what all the spaces meant. Owen just looked at the picture of the cat on my phone....he was less than interested in the whole civic process at work.
Max kept asking why I was voting yes or no on certain things...quite loudly in fact. I had to keep hushing him and tried to explain to him that voting is a private thing.
Samuel has had a bit more of a difficult time with the whole process. He voted at school and was quite pleased with the whole thing...until one of his little buddies informed him that his dad told him, "If Obama wins, we are ALL DEAD!". Sam was not happy with that...neither was I!!!
I was shocked! Granted, I don't know in what context the quote was made, but it still seemed a bit much to me. They are 6 folks...6!
The child's dad and grandpa are pastor and youth pastor at a local church. I'm sure their Republican views are quite strong, but we still need to watch what we say around our children.
Samuel, already has a problem with worry and we try not to cause him to have anything more than necessary to worry about. Being dead....definitely a worry for him!
Matt talked to Samuel about it after I assured him, he would not in fact DIE if Obama won. Matt told Sam to tell his friend that "We should put our trust in God, and not our government". Sam seemed ok with that and went about his business. I wish I could be ok with what was said...I'm not sure why it bothers me so much...but it does.
Our children are innocent and free from economic woes and worries for such a short time...I was kind of hoping to hold off the worry until Sam was at least 10....that would take him to the next election year!
Sammy also informed us that he voted for "Rock Obama" at school. No, I did not offer him suggestions on who to vote for, nor did I make a big deal out of his choice...remember, he's SIX!
I asked him why he chose Obama. He told me, he liked how his name sounded and that his initials are BO...which stands for body odor! Makes a perfect presidential choice when your six! I know a few adults who may vote for their candidates on the same grounds!
I was dreading the process all day. I wasn't looking forward to waiting in the long lines with the kids and was looking less forward to getting up early to vote. I voted for option A. After a day full of errands and a stop at Chuck E Cheese, we ended up at the polls.
There was NO line and ZERO wait. There are definite perks to living in such a small city...this is one of them!
The boys loved going in with me. I was able to use it as a teaching opportunity as well. They had lots of questions and loved to watch everything. Sammy got to carry the ballot and help push it in the box. Max, Owen and Sam were all content to get stickers.
Sammy had lots of questions about who was on the ballot and what all the spaces meant. Owen just looked at the picture of the cat on my phone....he was less than interested in the whole civic process at work.
Max kept asking why I was voting yes or no on certain things...quite loudly in fact. I had to keep hushing him and tried to explain to him that voting is a private thing.
Samuel has had a bit more of a difficult time with the whole process. He voted at school and was quite pleased with the whole thing...until one of his little buddies informed him that his dad told him, "If Obama wins, we are ALL DEAD!". Sam was not happy with that...neither was I!!!
I was shocked! Granted, I don't know in what context the quote was made, but it still seemed a bit much to me. They are 6 folks...6!
The child's dad and grandpa are pastor and youth pastor at a local church. I'm sure their Republican views are quite strong, but we still need to watch what we say around our children.
Samuel, already has a problem with worry and we try not to cause him to have anything more than necessary to worry about. Being dead....definitely a worry for him!
Matt talked to Samuel about it after I assured him, he would not in fact DIE if Obama won. Matt told Sam to tell his friend that "We should put our trust in God, and not our government". Sam seemed ok with that and went about his business. I wish I could be ok with what was said...I'm not sure why it bothers me so much...but it does.
Our children are innocent and free from economic woes and worries for such a short time...I was kind of hoping to hold off the worry until Sam was at least 10....that would take him to the next election year!
Sammy also informed us that he voted for "Rock Obama" at school. No, I did not offer him suggestions on who to vote for, nor did I make a big deal out of his choice...remember, he's SIX!
I asked him why he chose Obama. He told me, he liked how his name sounded and that his initials are BO...which stands for body odor! Makes a perfect presidential choice when your six! I know a few adults who may vote for their candidates on the same grounds!
Monday, November 3, 2008
No I Didn't
I did not pour myself a BOWL of diet Coke this afternoon. I am not that out of it!
I did not wear a vneck shirt to get a heart monitor put on. I think WAY more ahead than that!
I did not wake up on Friday and find that my husband was letting my children eat Oreo cookies for breakfast...I always provide them with healthy meals and would NEVER do that myself!
My kids, have NOT had candy, by 10am, on more than one occassion this week.
I did not tell me son to keep going around the circle at Trunk or Treat after just one time around, and then again after three times around. I would be thrilled if my children wanted to get LESS candy.
I did not spend 10 minutes searching the internet for "how does raw pork smell", and then make my husband, and oldest son smell it....and then cook it anyway, when the two of them said it didn't smell bad at all.
I ABSOLUTELY didn't stumble across the Care Bears cartoon on TV this week, and leave it on...when the kids weren't even in the room. I would never watch cartoons without the kids!
What didn't you do?
I did not wear a vneck shirt to get a heart monitor put on. I think WAY more ahead than that!
I did not wake up on Friday and find that my husband was letting my children eat Oreo cookies for breakfast...I always provide them with healthy meals and would NEVER do that myself!
My kids, have NOT had candy, by 10am, on more than one occassion this week.
I did not tell me son to keep going around the circle at Trunk or Treat after just one time around, and then again after three times around. I would be thrilled if my children wanted to get LESS candy.
I did not spend 10 minutes searching the internet for "how does raw pork smell", and then make my husband, and oldest son smell it....and then cook it anyway, when the two of them said it didn't smell bad at all.
I ABSOLUTELY didn't stumble across the Care Bears cartoon on TV this week, and leave it on...when the kids weren't even in the room. I would never watch cartoons without the kids!
What didn't you do?
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